Are You Kidding Me!
by Sydelle Rein
Summary: Another run in with pesky bandits puts Merlin and Arthur in a sticky situation, and Arthur is left gawking like an idiot at Merlin's escape strategy. No Slash.


"Is there _anything_ you can do right, Merlin?"

"I can call you a prat and usually get away with it," he pointed out half-mindedly. The result was a thump on the back of the head.

"You had one job to do: tie up the horses! So tell me Merlin, where are the horses?"

"Taking a walk?" Another thump on the back of the head. Merlin wasn't terribly concerned. Despite Arthur's harsh words, they both knew very well that the horses knew their way back to Camelot and would show up at one time or another. That was where the food and their warm stables were, after all. It wasn't like they were terribly far from home.

And Merlin _had _tied up the horses. How was he supposed to predict the tree he'd tied them to would wind up falling down while they were away?

"At least you got some good hunting in," he pointed out, shouldering the pack with one of his lopsided grins and raised eyebrows.

"You're a dolt, Merlin." Seeing as Arthur took this opportunity to begin the long walk back to the city, Merlin didn't comment.

"One of these days, you're going to get me into a real bind, Merlin. Sometimes I don't know why I keep you around."

Well there was the fact that he'd saved Arthur's life who-knows-how-many times, Merlin that in mild irritation, but of course Arthur didn't have a clue about that.

The next thing Merlin knew, Arthur let out a cry of pain and dropped to the ground, an arrow in his shoulder. He leapt to his feet shortly after, drawing his sword with his left hand, holding his right arm tight against his chest so as not to jostle his wound.

"Let's go!" Merlin didn't need to be told twice. They bolted away, in no particular direction. But they'd only taken two steps when a mass of men revealed themselves from the trees—they were surrounded.

"Bind 'em," a man commanded. Immediately his followers stepped forward with ropes to bind the two prisoners. First they ripped the arrow out of Arthur's shoulder, causing him to drop in pain. At least they had the sense to bind his wound as well. Arthur swayed dangerously where he stood, before the man who had bound him knocked him over the head. Arthur slumped to the ground unconscious.

"Don't—" Merlin began, but he never completed his threat before he too was knocked out.

-

Merlin awoke in a cave, with an iron gate boxing them in. Arthur was already awake.

"Well that was brilliant, wasn't it?" the prince commented sarcastically. Merlin looked at him in worry. He was dangerously pale from blood loss.

"Are you all right?" Merlin asked blurrily. His head was still a bit hazy from the blow.

"I've survived worse," he pointed out.

"True." Though those instance had mainly been due to Merlin's interference.

"What about you?"

Merlin looked around him. "I've been better." He stood up and went to the gate. It was fastened into the rock, too secure for an ordinary person to break out of—though there was no magic to it. Merlin could burst it clean out of the rocks if he chose. But of course he couldn't do that with Arthur there. He glanced back at the prince.

"Looks like we're stuck," the warlock stated.

"Thank you for that brilliant assessment."

"You're welcome."

"Shut up."

"So…what's the plan?"

"Why do I always have to come up with the plans? I'm the wounded one."

Normally Merlin would have made another retort, but he bit his tongue. Arthur didn't have strength to waste on bickering.

Then again, he'd probably pass out soon, then Merlin could use all the magic that he wanted. But would he be able to get an unconscious Arthur all the way back to Camelot before he bled to death? And he had no idea of the forces waiting for them outside.

Maybe he should just tell Arthur and forget the consequences. He opened his mouth to do just that, but he hesitated. Once he told the prince, there was no going back.

Plus, he was the crown prince of Camelot, surely Uther was searching for him by now, right? How long had they been out?

"This is all your fault, Merlin," he said, interrupting his servant's thoughts.

"_What?_ How do you figure that?"

"If _you _had tied the horses up, I wouldn't have had to be shouting at you! And then I wouldn't have been distracted and we wouldn't have gotten caught."

"How do you know that _you_ weren't distracting _me_ and that otherwise _I _would have gotten us out of this mess?"

Arthur laughed. "Since when have you ever been any help in a fight?"

No, Arthur definitely wouldn't understand. He didn't look upon Merlin as an equal at all, just a servant to be ordered about. Who was Merlin to think that Arthur might spare his life if he ever found out?

"Do you know how long we've been here?" Merlin asked.

Just then, they heard footsteps—two sets—followed by two men appearing out of the cave's shadows.

"Well I see you two are awake finally."

"What do you want with us?" Arthur demanded, gaining his feet under him. He swayed dangerously, and Merlin couldn't help but feel his display was stupid. What was the point of trying to appear intimidating when, first off, you'd already gotten caught, and second off, you had no way to back up your feigned confidence?

"Do you really need to ask, your highness? You're not as smart as most people say."

Arthur's eyes narrowed. "How do you know who I am?"

The men laughed. "You have no idea how famous you are, do you? Everyone knows who you are."

Arthur took a shaky step forward. "If you know who I am, then you know that my father will never let you get away with this. Release us now, and your lives just might be spared."

"But if I have you under my control, Uther will have no choice but to obey _my_ demands, meaning that if I let you go, I lose my only edge."

"And if he doesn't comply?"

"You'd better hope he does, otherwise I'll kill you."

That simple huh? Great.

The two men turned to retreat.

"At least let my servant go," Arthur called after them, taking another step forward. Merlin looked sharply at him. "He's of no use to you."

"But you see, there's this simple matter of him running off to Uther to warn him. That's unacceptable." They turned again and left.

"Why would you do that?" Merlin asked. "If I leave I can't help you."

"Again, since when are you any help anyways?" Merlin didn't listen to him this time. He turned towards the gate again to hide a smile as Arthur returned to the ground.

"Here," Merlin said, turning back to him, "we should put on a clean bandage."

For once Arthur didn't argue with his servant. Merlin stripped off a piece of his tunic. Gingerly, he peeled off the current bloodied bandage. The wound that awaited him was not a pretty sight.

"Oh dear."

"What is it this time?"

"I think it's infected."

"And how would you know?" Arthur asked skeptically.

"Well, I do sort of live with Camelot's finest physician.

"Right."

He tied the fresh cloth over Arthur's shoulder. "We need to get you to Gaius."

"Well I think that's a bit difficult at the moment, Merlin."

This wasn't good. Now Arthur was not just in danger of dying of blood loss, but dying of an infection.

"Try to get some sleep," Merlin said.

"Don't be ridiculous, Merlin. If I'm not awake when those bandits come back, how am I going to break us out of here?"

"You're in no condition to fight," Merlin retorted. "And you need your strength. Otherwise you could die." He smiled, decided to play along, "Then who will break poor defenseless me out of this trap?"

With one last protest, Arthur finally conceded. For once he was going to listen to his servant's advice.

Merlin waited a few minutes, then stretched his hand over the prince. "_Radithera,_" he whispered. Immediately Arthur's sleep became less fitful and he lay still in deep slumber. Merlin let out a sigh of relief. He'd been half afraid Arthur would wake up at the touch of magic. But now that he was in a spell-bound sleep, he didn't have to worry about the prince waking up for this next part.

He couldn't heal the wound, but he could at least burn out the infection.

Merlin took a deep breath, then reached out and ever so gently lay his hand over Arthur's wound. "_Hatigari_," he whispered. The wound grew hot under his hand. Even in his sleep, Arthur's face contorted in slight pain. Burning infections out by force could be painful.

After that grisly task was done, Merlin released Arthur from his spell's grip, letting him fall back into a natural sleep. They still had to worry about blood loss—and of course the threat of these bandits—but at least infection was off the table.

So Merlin sat back and waited. He certainly couldn't do anything more. Uther would come to his son's rescue before the bandits could do anything to them. He really wished he could lie down and sleep himself—his head still throbbed from being clubbed. But he didn't dare.

-

It was nearly a day later when one of the men returned, and also the first time Arthur awoke again.

"Well, you're highness, it would appear that we're in a bit of a predicament now."

Arthur didn't respond. He was in bad shape. It cost him precious energy just to sit up.

"It would appear that Uther is not in Camelot."

Merlin nearly groaned. He'd forgotten about that! The King had been scheduled to go to a neighboring Kingdom as a sign of good faith for their new peace treaty. Arthur had been supposed to go with him.

And Arthur had complained loudly about not wanting to go, half-heartedly promising his father he'd find a way to miss it. Which meant that Uther probably thought his son was just being irresponsible—not that he was in mortal danger.

Judging by the look on Arthur's face, he'd forgotten too.

"So what happens now?" Merlin asked, almost desperately.

"I sent a messenger to him anyways, no worries. So we'll see what he says when he gets the message."

"But that could take weeks!" Merlin shouted. "Arthur could die by then!"

The bandit merely laughed. "Uther won't know that until after he's already paid us."

Merlin starred in shock. The man tossed two horribly stale chunks of bread into their prison before walking away, still laughing.

"Well, that's that," Arthur commented as casually as he could while he was out of breath and weak.

"What do you mean?"

"Come on Merlin, do you really think they're going to reach my father in time before…" he didn't finish his statement.

"Don't say that."

"I'm sorry I got you into this, Merlin."

"I thought you were insisting this was all my fault," Merlin pointed out in attempted jest. He got the chuckle he'd been hoping for, but it soon turned into a cough.

Merlin retrieved the bread. "Here, eat," he said, handing them both to Arthur.

He shook his head. "You eat them. I'm dead anyways. You still at least have a chance."

"I already had my portion," Merlin lied. "While you slept."

Arthur starred at him for a moment, as if trying to discern the lie, but at last he took a piece—though only one.

Merlin turned the bread idly in his hand, starring off into space and thinking.

"What is it?" Arthur asked, with a tone that suggested his servant couldn't possibly have anything of importance on his mind.

There was no way Uther would be reached in time. The two of them were as good as dead.

Merlin closed his eyes tight for a moment, then opened them again and looked the prince.

"Arthur, do you trust me?" he asked.

"Of course not! We've already had this conversation twice today—you're useless."

Merlin shook his head. "No Arthur," he crouched in front of him, looking him directly in the eye. "_Do you trust me?"_

Arthur, face frightfully pale with blood-loss, starred at the boy in utter confusion. "Yes," he answered at last.

Merlin nodded ever so slightly in satisfaction, though his eyes grew ten times darker in expression. He stood up straight and paced the cave twice before stopping again. "All right." He took a deep breath. "Stay right behind me, and don't ask any questions until we get out of here. When we're safe I promise I'll tell you everything you want to know."

"What on _earth_ are you talking about Merlin?"

"Ready?"

"No!"

Merlin took another breath and stretched his hand out over Arthur. "_Stratiphagrif!_" he shouted as his eyes turned gold. He'd never tried this spell before, but when he found it two months ago he made sure to memorize it in case he ever needed to use it.

Arthur gasped as a light descended upon him and his strength returned. It was a spell of false strength, really. His body was every bit as damaged as it had been before, but he'd be able to go strong and steady for a good hour before he'd collapse again.

"_What the hell did you do to me!" _Arthur demanded.

"No questions!" he turned towards the gate. _"Expiortavitana!"_ The gate blew away from the stone it was set into, causing several large chunks of rock to fall down, but no cave in followed.

"Are you _kidding _me!"

"Later!" Merlin demanded. "Let's go!"

Miraculously, Arthur didn't argue. He sprang to his feet and followed close behind Merlin as they followed the tunnel out.

They weren't the only ones to have noticed the noisy exit, however. The whole crew who had ambushed them before blocked their way in front.

"Get out of our way," Merlin demanded, coming to a stop some twenty feet away from them.

"You don't scare us, boy," the head man said. "Now tell me, how did you escape?"

Merlin thrust his hand forward in a silent spell and the man went flying backwards, colliding with the tunnel wall and slumping down unconscious.

"That's how. Anyone else want a go?" Merlin was more than a little shocked at his own words. Apparently it was a lot easier to be intimidating when you didn't have to hide your greatest weapon.

The remaining men looked at each other, still posed for a fight, but with great uncertainty. When one of the braver men stepped forward to face them anyways, the others seemed to take that as their cue and advanced.

Merlin suppressed a sigh. He raised both hands. "_Tribuga horti sa numopi agrista!" _Lightning cracked into the stone at the feet of the advancing bandits. It didn't take them long after that to scatter back the other direction.

Merlin and Arthur followed them out—the former focused on the task at hand, the latter focused on his so-called useless-in-a-fight manservant in utter shock.

Out of the cave they continued a full out sprint away from the area for several minutes before Merlin finally stopped, both of them gasping for air. Arthur may still be under the influence of the spell, but that by no means meant he was back to his full capacity of strength.

"You need to rest," Merlin gasped. "The spell's only temporary, and it's really only a trick on your mind."

"_What the hell was that!"_ So much for resting. Rather Arthur began pacing back and forth between the trees. "You're…you're a _sorcerer_! And a powerful one at that!"

Merlin ducked his eyes, absolutely terrified. "Yes," he muttered. He raised his head again. "But you _do _need to take it easy Arthur! If you pass out again there will be nothing I can do! We need to get you back to Camelot, then you can have me executed. But for right now you need my help."

"But you're a _sorcerer!_"

Suddenly Arthur gripped his wounded shoulder and let out a couple shaky gasps of breath before returning to his previous state—if a bit shakier. "What's happening?"

"I told you, the spell is just a trick on your mind, I haven't healed you. If it wavers you'll feel the pain again. Which is why you need to rest now while you can before we move on. We only have a few moments."

"Why?"

Despite his fear, Merlin felt a twinge of annoyance "It will only last about an hour, and I doubt we're within an hour of Camelot. We need to find a way to get you back after you pass out."

"And how do you suggest that?"

"I don't know! A village maybe. Where we can get horses, something like that!"

Arthur actually managed to get a hold of himself long enough to look around him, seemingly deciding that his warlock-servant could wait until later. "Those mountains, there the same as the ones we see from Camelot. We're actually not much farther than we were before, maybe just an extra hour or so."

"Great! Except that doesn't help us."

"Well—can't you…call our horses back with your mind or something?"

"I don't exactly have a spell for every single possible circumstance gone wrong," Merlin pointed out. "So no, I can't."

Brush rustled behind them. Arthur spun with a wince, reaching for the sword he didn't have.

Merlin starred in disbelief as one of their horses walked into view. Arthur quickly walked passed the horse to where she had come from and found the second not far away.

Arthur glanced suspiciously at Melrin.

"It wasn't me I swear!" Merlin said defensively.

Merlin ended up having to help Arthur onto his horse. This was going to be a long ride back.

-

By the time they reached Camelot Merlin had had to tie the unconscious Arthur to his horse. The guards pulled the prince out of the saddle and carried him into his chambers as Merlin ran to get Gaius.

He burst open the doors. "Arthur needs your help! Arrow wound to his shoulder."

Gaius didn't ask anymore questions at the urgency of Merlin's voice. Quickly as his old bones would allow, he gathered up a variety of potions and pastes into his bag and followed the warlock to Arthur's chambers.

"What happened?" he asked on the way.

"We were attacked by bandits about two days ago," Merlin explained hurriedly. "He's lost a lot of blood."

"Ah, so that's where you disappeared to. Uther was under the impression that Arthur was shirking his duties again. I figured you had gone with him."

Merlin was anxious to tell Gaius the full truth about what had happened, but there was too big a chance of being overheard. And they were reaching Arthur's chambers; there'd be too many guards.

The moment Gaius set to work on the wound, he paused. "I need some privacy," he told the guards. "This wound is deep, I need to be able to concentrate."

With a nod, the guards retreated to outside the room.

"You used magic on the wound, didn't you?" Gaius asked.

"How'd you know that?"

"The infection's been forced out. That's good, given the circumstances, but working on wounds with magic is a messy business."

"Can you help him?"

"I believe so, but we won't know for sure for some time."

"Gaius," Merlin began nervously. "Arthur knows."

"Knows what?" he asked distractedly.

"Everything."

Gaius looked sharply at Merlin. "Everything?"

"Well, he doesn't know that you know. But he knows I'm a sorcerer." Merlin had never seen Gaius so at a loss for words. "It was the only way to get out of there alive, I didn't have a choice."

"I believe you, but what did he say?"

"He…sort of silently agreed to not say anything while we were escaping, but I have no idea how he's going to react when he wakes up."

With a look of deep concern, Gaius turned back to his patient. "Well all we can do now is treat him and hope he understands."

-

Merlin spent the next five days in Arthur's chambers. Uther had been sent for, and upon returning to Camelot, he demanded to be informed the moment Arthur was awake. Thankfully he hadn't asked anything of Merlin beyond the bandit's attack—nothing about how they escaped. Gaius had managed to convince the guards to remain outside. He told them it was for the prince to get the most rest possible, but truly neither he nor Merlin wanted any witnesses there when Arthur woke up, not knowing what the prince would do or say.

But on the sixth day, Arthur finally stirred.

The moment Merlin heard him stirring; he jumped to his feet from his position sitting with his back to the wall, and stood there, every bit as terrified as he had been before.

He opened his eyes and blinked several times, then slowly looked around the room in confusion. When his eyes fell on Merlin he visibly jumped, then yelped as his shoulder jostled.

The two guards burst into the room. Upon seeing the prince awake and all right—despite the yelp—one went to fetch the king.

"I'm fine," Arthur assured the remaining guard. "Can't I even wake up in my own chambers in peace?" he snapped. The guard, with apologies, retreated outside the room once more.

Merlin remained where he was, practically pressed against the wall.

They remained silent for quite some time. Finally Arthur opened his mouth to speak.

Followed by the doors bursting open and King Uther striding in. Merlin's stomach dropped.

"Arthur! You're awake—thank goodness. Gaius wasn't sure if you'd pull through this or not.

"I've survived worse," Arthur reminded him. "A silly little wound like this couldn't due me in."

"What happened? All I've been told was that you were attacked by bandits. How did you get away with such a wound?"

Arthur's eyes flickered to Merlin.

This was it, Merlin was dead.

"They didn't realize I was the prince," he lied. "When they realized who I am, they made a run for it. They certainly didn't want you coming after their heads."

Merlin couldn't believe his ears. Arthur was lying to the king! Did that mean…was he not going to turn him in?

"Your Majesty, please," that was Gaius. Apparently he'd followed the king into the room without Merlin noticing, "your son needs rest. He can tell you everything in more detail later. He only just woke up."

"You're right, of course. Arthur take things easy for a few days. I expect you back to your duties the moment your well, though."

"Yes sir." With that, the king, guards, and Gaius, retreated.

There was another long moment of silence.

"Thank you," Merlin said at last.

"Don't thank me yet," Arthur returned. "I just…don't know what to do yet. Just—why?"

"Sire?"

"Why are you practicing sorcery? You know it's against the law. You know it can get you killed."

Merlin shook his head. "You don't understand."

"Then explain it to me," he demanded.

"Magic…it's no something you can choose. _You_ could look at spell books and say the magic words all you want, nothing would happen. All I know is…well, that I have magic. I don't know why. It's not something I can just ignore—it's a part of me."

Arthur nodded slowly. "You realize that if I cover this up…I'll be your accomplice. If you're ever exposed, we'd _both_ be executed."

"I know."

Arthur let out a heavy sigh. "I need to think about this. Go to your rooms and wait for me to decide."

Merlin nodded and left without a word.

-

"What do you think he's going to do?" Gaius asked.

Merlin was going back and forth between pacing frantically around the room and collapsing in a chair and starring into space. Right now he was in his pacing mode.

"Well he hasn't turned you over to Uther yet."

"You didn't see his face," Merlin protested. "His mind's far from made up."

Gaius stood up from his seat and picked up the water bucket. "I'll get you something fresh to drink. And Merlin," Merlin stopped pacing to look at him, "have a little faith in him."

Merlin nodded nervously, but that didn't make him feel any better.

Little did Merlin know, Gaius left the bucket outside the door, having no intention of getting water.

The guards were gone. Apparently Arthur had dismissed them. Gaius stepped up and knocked on the door.

"I thought I told you not to disturb me!" Arthur's announced in agitation as he jerked the door open. "Oh, Gaius."

"I've come to check on your wound, Your Highness."

Arthur looked slightly annoyed to have his thoughts interrupted. Nevertheless he stepped aside to let the physician in. Gaius shut the door behind him.

"Make it quick, would you? I've got a lot on my mind."

"Understandable, Sire, considering what you just found out about your servant." Arthur looked up at him sharply. "I'm not just here to check your wound, Sire."

"You're kidding me," Arthur said incredulously. "_You _knew? You're my father's sworn ally _against_ sorcery!"

Gaius shook his head. "Against _evil _sorcery, Sire. I've come here to tell you just what Merlin's been using his magic for all this time." Arthur slowly nodded, then sat down to hear Gaius out.

-

Arthur opened the door, shut it, walked over to the table and sat down across from Merlin without saying a word.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked quite simply.

Merlin couldn't help but chuckle nervously at the stupidity of the question. "Do you really need to ask that question?"

"No, I mean…why didn't you tell me how many dozens of times you've saved my life without anyone the wiser?" he asked.

Merlin closed his eyes in understanding. "Gaius."

"I should have heard it form you," Arthur pointed out.

"And make it sound like I was trying to barter my life?"

"Well, nonetheless it would appear that I owe you one. Or more like twenty."

Merlin starred at him. "So…"

"You're secret's safe with me." Merlin let out his breath and sat back in his chair—weak with relief.

"Thank you."

"Now go polish my armor."


End file.
